Arms of Love

Mom is slipping more and more into childhood mode and as she does that her doll "Blue Eyes" has never been more important.

It was such a warm October day that Mom didn't need a coat or hat but clearly her baby needed covering up. It's an instinct I doubt she'll ever lose.
Mom doesn't usually notice me taking pictures but when I try to set up a pose like this we can get some pretty silly faces happening and it's a lot of fun. The baby doll is still being held carefully though. Mom has held a lot of babies over the years as you'll see in this video:

http://vimeo.com/30463775

The song is by Glen Campbell who has been diagnosed with Alzeimers and is doing a farewell tour. He still looks fairly comfortable performing probably because it's something he's done all his life. Just like Mom has held her babies. Her own, foster children, babysitting children, church nursery babies, grand children, great grandchildren. There was no one better at it than she was.

Surprised By Joy

Well, the roller coaster ride continues. Mom seems better and she was able to really enjoy her 85th birthday celebration:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150342221605365.395694.628260364&type=1

After most everyone had left we realized we hadn't sung Happy Birthday yet. Mom joined right in and then this happened:

http://www.vimeo.com/27924246

One of the top ten favorite things that have ever happened in my life. Apparently I really shake when I laugh. Never mind Surprised by Joy, more like Blind Sided by Joy!

Waiting

Mom has an infection. One she's had many many times before. She may or may not respond to the medication this time.

I've never felt two ways so strongly about anything. Mom has done her time. Twelve years with Alzheimers is enough for anybody. She deserves a better death than one from total end stages Alzheimers. I've seen that. It's not pretty. It's not humane.

At the same time I don't want her to die. She has changed almost beyond recognition but she is my mother and I love her. This second option, her living, is the selfish one to hope for.

But truly I don't have any say or control over what happens. The best I can do is help report when she tells me she is in pain and make sure something is done about it.

And play. We play dolls a lot. I hated playing with dolls as a kid and now it's one of the best things I can do for my Mother. When Mom's not looking I wash the doll's face because Mom takes the dolly in to supper with her and shares her food with her. We spend a lot of time fixing the doll's hair. Dollar store hair products are a huge hit. Today I told my Mother the story of when I was in grade one and she did my hair in a hurry - one side a braid, the other a pony tail, and I was late for school because she had to fix it. I don't know if my Mother knows who I am but she accepts me and she accepts my love and that's all that matters.

So we wait and see.

And I secretly become a cheerleader for death while at the same time I abhor it.

Beautiful Blue Eyes

Seems silly to write this twice and fight with the Blogger photo options that need to be loaded backwards. This link should work even if you are not on Facebook. My apologies if it doesn't.

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150320753960365.389124.628260364

Mother's Day

My sister and her family and I had a really nice visit with Mom on Mother's day and I made this video:

http://www.vimeo.com/23457883

I'll be honest though, lately I think a lot about how unfair it is that Mom is still having to live like this. Yes, we're fortunate that she's content with her life as it is, but what choice does she really have? A hundred small indignities and some large ones each and every day. No she doesn't remember them but she lives them with startling anewness each time they happen.

I know it could be so much worse. She could be unhappy and scared and I'm so glad that she doesn't seem to be, but still when she turned 80 the year my Dad passed away we never dreamed that she'd still be here with us (kind of) 5 years later - more than 11 years into full Alzheimers. I just feel like there should be some sort of limit to what a person has to endure and continue to be awed at the grace with with my mother faces her days.

I have to borrow some of that grace from her because a lot of the time I just don't have it. I don't ever want to have to live like that.

Changes

Last visit Mom didn't really recognize my 10 year old nephew because he's changed so much lately but she accepted his love anyway and took us at our word. We realized that Mom's had Alzheimers the entire time Caleb has been alive but there's been no stopping the love. Other people's brains are affected differently and lose the ability to relate so we realize we are very fortunate in this!

Here's a little movie that came out of that visit:

http://www.vimeo.com/19247069

http://www.vimeo.com/19247069

Ooops

So. I usually kind of pride myself at figuring things out for Mom. Listening to what she says and trying to figure out what it means. Well for a number of years now she's been telling me that her window is open because she can feel the screen. When she'd tell me that I'd help her to feel that the window was on the other side of the screen so it couldn't be open. She would immediately forget what I told her and tell me again that the window was open because she could feel the screen.

I mentioned to my brother that maybe we should take the screen off and put it away for the winter so it wouldn't bother Mom. He was happy to do that but when he took the screen away he took a closer look and saw that the window latch is broken and there is indeed a slight crack that has been letting in the cold. For years! No wonder Mom has always kept the curtain shut on that side of the window.

In my defense, Mom never once mentioned being cold or that she felt a breeze, just that the window must be open because she could feel the screen. I'm also happy that the curtains are fabric lined with heavy plastic that would have kept the breeze at bay.

The nursing home was happy to fix it right away.

I just wish I had listened a little better. It's hard when most of what she says doesn't make any sense at all to remember that sometimes she's right on the money.