Surprised By Joy

Well, the roller coaster ride continues. Mom seems better and she was able to really enjoy her 85th birthday celebration:

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150342221605365.395694.628260364&type=1

After most everyone had left we realized we hadn't sung Happy Birthday yet. Mom joined right in and then this happened:

http://www.vimeo.com/27924246

One of the top ten favorite things that have ever happened in my life. Apparently I really shake when I laugh. Never mind Surprised by Joy, more like Blind Sided by Joy!

Waiting

Mom has an infection. One she's had many many times before. She may or may not respond to the medication this time.

I've never felt two ways so strongly about anything. Mom has done her time. Twelve years with Alzheimers is enough for anybody. She deserves a better death than one from total end stages Alzheimers. I've seen that. It's not pretty. It's not humane.

At the same time I don't want her to die. She has changed almost beyond recognition but she is my mother and I love her. This second option, her living, is the selfish one to hope for.

But truly I don't have any say or control over what happens. The best I can do is help report when she tells me she is in pain and make sure something is done about it.

And play. We play dolls a lot. I hated playing with dolls as a kid and now it's one of the best things I can do for my Mother. When Mom's not looking I wash the doll's face because Mom takes the dolly in to supper with her and shares her food with her. We spend a lot of time fixing the doll's hair. Dollar store hair products are a huge hit. Today I told my Mother the story of when I was in grade one and she did my hair in a hurry - one side a braid, the other a pony tail, and I was late for school because she had to fix it. I don't know if my Mother knows who I am but she accepts me and she accepts my love and that's all that matters.

So we wait and see.

And I secretly become a cheerleader for death while at the same time I abhor it.

Beautiful Blue Eyes

Seems silly to write this twice and fight with the Blogger photo options that need to be loaded backwards. This link should work even if you are not on Facebook. My apologies if it doesn't.

http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150320753960365.389124.628260364

Mother's Day

My sister and her family and I had a really nice visit with Mom on Mother's day and I made this video:

http://www.vimeo.com/23457883

I'll be honest though, lately I think a lot about how unfair it is that Mom is still having to live like this. Yes, we're fortunate that she's content with her life as it is, but what choice does she really have? A hundred small indignities and some large ones each and every day. No she doesn't remember them but she lives them with startling anewness each time they happen.

I know it could be so much worse. She could be unhappy and scared and I'm so glad that she doesn't seem to be, but still when she turned 80 the year my Dad passed away we never dreamed that she'd still be here with us (kind of) 5 years later - more than 11 years into full Alzheimers. I just feel like there should be some sort of limit to what a person has to endure and continue to be awed at the grace with with my mother faces her days.

I have to borrow some of that grace from her because a lot of the time I just don't have it. I don't ever want to have to live like that.

Changes

Last visit Mom didn't really recognize my 10 year old nephew because he's changed so much lately but she accepted his love anyway and took us at our word. We realized that Mom's had Alzheimers the entire time Caleb has been alive but there's been no stopping the love. Other people's brains are affected differently and lose the ability to relate so we realize we are very fortunate in this!

Here's a little movie that came out of that visit:

http://www.vimeo.com/19247069

http://www.vimeo.com/19247069

Ooops

So. I usually kind of pride myself at figuring things out for Mom. Listening to what she says and trying to figure out what it means. Well for a number of years now she's been telling me that her window is open because she can feel the screen. When she'd tell me that I'd help her to feel that the window was on the other side of the screen so it couldn't be open. She would immediately forget what I told her and tell me again that the window was open because she could feel the screen.

I mentioned to my brother that maybe we should take the screen off and put it away for the winter so it wouldn't bother Mom. He was happy to do that but when he took the screen away he took a closer look and saw that the window latch is broken and there is indeed a slight crack that has been letting in the cold. For years! No wonder Mom has always kept the curtain shut on that side of the window.

In my defense, Mom never once mentioned being cold or that she felt a breeze, just that the window must be open because she could feel the screen. I'm also happy that the curtains are fabric lined with heavy plastic that would have kept the breeze at bay.

The nursing home was happy to fix it right away.

I just wish I had listened a little better. It's hard when most of what she says doesn't make any sense at all to remember that sometimes she's right on the money.

Christmas 2010

We had a really good Christmas. Mom was able to come out to our family day on boxing day and enjoyed herself till about 4pm when she headed out the door of the party room and was headed home no matter what so we drove her home. Last year she wanted to stay for the whole time but I'm glad she was happy for at least a few hours.

My reward for helping her make the white snowflakes to give out was that about the fourth time I went in to work on them with her she said: "Oh there's our stars!" when I pulled them out. I never expected her to remember them at all. Of course when I gave them to her to give them out she didn't remember them, but I'm grateful for that one time that she did.

About a week before Christmas I attended a church service with Mom at her nursing home. It was headed by the three pastors of the three churches in the small town she lives in. That's her in the top picture enjoying reading the Christmas carols. She especially enjoyed Joy To The World and kept reading it even after the minister began his talk. Right in the middle she called out loudly, "Repeat the sounding joy! Repeat the sounding joy!"

Behavior like that would have been devastating to her before Alzheimers but is pretty much par for the course at a nursing home. The minister was not bothered in the slightest. Later in her room she told me that there were children down the hall practicing carols and Dana (one of her now grown up grand children) called out loudly right in the middle of a minister's talk! I'm glad she assigned the gaff to a child in her mind and didn't remember doing it herself.

There's a lot of flu and cold going around and we hope Mom doesn't get sick but I think she would gladly take the risk no matter what to be around her family and we had a pretty great Christmas!

Here's the movie:

http://www.vimeo.com/18204425